I have a friend. There is… something going on. Something is wrong. Something is different. Something is amiss and i do not know what it is. Not exactly anyways.

I asked him what was wrong, what was different, whats going on. I read his response, he said he was just busy lately. He claimed it was nothing when there was clearly something, but I pushed it aside. Things got worse, more weird, more distant. Finally, he admitted there was something. I almost had to force him into talking about it. But he admitted things would be better once its all said and done.

This situation was particularly frustrating because it’s over something supposedly insignificant, but we allowed it to affect our friendship much more than it ever should have. Denying that there was anything going on just caused the problem to snowball into a situation that only caused weirdness, confusion, distance, and hurt.

Avoiding conflict is typically a good thing, but when there is an obvious issue, stepping around it will only cause things to worsen. If my friend and I could’ve just discussed what was happening earlier, we could have prevented this and fixed the problem early on.

So many people take the passive aggressive approach whenever they’re upset, but things will never be fixed if they continue to do this. If you’re experiencing a problem with somebody, the only way to understand why it’s happening and how to get it to be fixed is to talk about it. I’ve had so many times where a friend was obviously upset with me, but they just pretended they felt fine. I would ask if they were mad and what I did, but they would just deny that anything was out of the ordinary. It would just cause me to wonder what I did wrong, and worrying that I might do it again in the future. There’s no way to fix what you’re doing wrong when you don’t know what it is.

This situation with my friend has only strongly reaffirmed what I already believe. If there is an issue or something is bothering you, it’s so important to talk about with the other person involved. Get everything out, talk about it, apologize where needed, find a solution, make things better.


young love <3

Ive always felt weird about dating and relationships. Although at first, I couldn’t really pinpoint what it was exactly. I remember being in middle school (lol) and most people had been in some type of “relationship” at that point. I would tell my friends id never had a boyfriend, and they would just be so shocked. I just explained that I didn’t have the urge, I didn’t care to. Looking back, it seems ridiculous to put the expectation of dating on 12 and 13 year olds.

Even now, the urge is still not there. In fact, there is rather an urge to wait, wait a very long time. Also I’m pretty disgusted by romance. I never really understood why so many teens just have this yearning to be in a relationship. I have a better understanding of that perspective now, but I still don’t fully “get” it. And so many teens who crave that romantic affection and don’t receive it feel they are unlovable and will never be able to find anybody that will want them. The notion is just so insane to me, because we are so young. We have barely even experienced life. There are so many people and places and things that will come into our lives in the future, not being able to find anyone as a teenager is not a good reflection for the grand scheme of life. Besides, hopefully, most of us will be completely different people as adults than as we are now, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Dating is such a serious thing. I believe you shouldn’t date someone without the probable intention of marriage. I just feel that romantic relationships are a very, very serious commitment and bond between two people. Casual dating leads is what leads to so much romantic heartbreak. And of course, almost no teenager is ready for marriage, like this article points out. Teens for the most part are just not emotionally and mentally ready for a relationship. Most of the time, the relationship tumultuously ends in heart break, either on both ends, or on one end where one person was much more invested than the other. And younger people often don’t know how to handle or sort through their emotions. The weight of a relationship that is most often accompanied by the strains of a sexual one as well just create a turmoil of emotions that most teenagers cannot adequately handle.

Dating should be reserved for older, matured people. Some teenagers, very few, are mature enough to handle a relationship and can fully understand the consequences. Most though, don’t. I definitely don’t think teenagers should date, but I dont think that they should be not allowed to, like the article suggests. Not allowing them to date will just make them want to. And the idea sounds crazy, being 16 or 17 and your parents wont let you date someone. So teenagers should probably just be advised against dating and properly educated on how a relationship should be. And if they want to date, they will do it anyways, regardless of what their parents say. If their parents wont allow them, it will just lead to deceit and mistrust between the child and parent.

However, im not opposed to having a casual fling with someone. I think it is a bit unreasonable for young people to completely abstain from romantic/sexual interest (although not impossible, and possibly the best choice for some). But anything that involves commitment or deep feelings is probably not the wisest choice.

nice guys finish last 3:

I have a fascination with attractiveness, and just people’s faces in general. I always wonder what exactly it is that makes us find someone attractive. I’m always asking my friends who they find attractive, and showing them pictures of people I find and asking their opinion of them. It’s just so interesting how much our tastes vary, and in some cases how they are similar. My friends are also subjected to my intense staring, as I will openly stare at their face and analyze everything about it. It’s definitely one of my favorite pastimes.

I think for me, it started about two and a half years ago. I knew the people I found attractive, but I couldn’t figure out exactly why I found them attractive, I just knew that I did. This bothered me. I wanted to figure out what it was about their face that made them so appealing. Then, everything changed. I began to become very analytical of people’s faces. I would concentrate on every individual part of their face. I began to realize upon doing this that a good portion of the people I found attractive, were becoming unattractive to me. In turn, a lot of people I once found unattractive were now very attractive. I began to discover what I liked in people’s faces. I could explain what made someone appealing to me, or unappealing. I have a love and fascination for beautiful people.

I found this article (that happens to be from word press) about attractiveness. It delves into the scientific reasons for what we find attractive and why, as well as personal accounts from specific people in what they find attractive. I found the article very interesting, but it didn’t really tell me anything I haven’t already heard. I read the word “symmetry” about 50 times.

The article addresses the science behind attractiveness, of course a big factor being symmetry. I agree that this is a factor, but there are some very unattractive people with perfectly symmetrical faces. I feel like it is rather just an enhancement to an already attractive face, a bonus. An interesting point brought out was that people are often attracted to others that look like their parents. I have never found anyone attractive that resembles my parents. However, I have found a lot of guys attractive that resemble my brother, which has been mildly disturbing for me. Another interesting thing brought out was that people are attracted to others that resemble themselves. The first time I ever heard something like that was from my friend, Zane. She pointed out that she noticed people were attracted to others that looked like them. I thought that was so interesting, and began to realize she was kind of right. A lot of the women I find beautiful have some features similar to my own, high, prominent cheek bones and full lips. Although, somehow I don’t find myself that attractive, let alone anywhere near as pretty as those girls.

One thing almost all of the women emphasized that they found attractive in a man was confidence and the way they carry themselves. I had actually just been discussing this with one of my friends last week, so I found this particularly interesting. In our discussion, I was trying to figure out why exactly women find confident, asshole-ish men so attractive. I also tried to figure out why I myself found this appealing in guys. It honestly seemed to be this instinctual, sexual thing. This deep, almost inexplicable gravity that these guys have about them. Confidence and self-assuredness makes a man seem more masculine, which is obviously going to make him more sexually appealing. But then, that confidence can seem to be more directly related, like the guy just knows what he’s doing and is capable and ya know, knows how things work.

The very last part of the article is a very sad, pathetic little note: “nice guys finish last…” I couldn’t help but laugh when I read that. I know of very nice and sweet guys that are still good looking. A guy showing that he is caring and emotional is very attractive, as it can be rare for men to display that.  However, I see the author’s point. In relation to the previous paragraph, women find assholes attractive because they’re so confident, usually. I think the asshole guy is likely to pull more women, for temporary flings. And then the nice guy, more likely to find a more permanent woman in his life. Nobody reeeaaally wants to date an asshole, they just want them in their bed for a night. You never look at a nice, sweet looking guy and think about him in a sexual way, it more of just “aw… he’s cute (-: I bet he is so sweet!” But if he looks like an asshole, it’s just kinda like “dam… I bet he could teach me a thing or two…” Think about why a lot of women call guys “daddy” in bed. It’s not because they want to have sex with their father, it’s because they want a man that is super masculine and in charge and knows what he’s doing and strong and makes them feel secure. And that’s how a lot of girls view their father, as a strong sense of security and provision. It’s just all these instinctual desires.

A long time ago, I read this quote, or excerpt perhaps, it was long. I don’t know who or what is was from. I tried to find it again, but with no avail. It was really interesting, I wish I had saved it… I think about it a lot. It was about making lists. Making lists for what we find attractive in someone, for what we want in someone, for what we look for in someone, because we think we know what we want. But it was about how we need to stop making those lists. Because there will never be anybody that will be perfect, there will never be anybody that fits that criteria. We think we know what we want, so we create these lists. But we will never really know what we want, until it’s directly in front of us. You will find yourself craving someone else, despite them not matching up to your lists. When you begin to find that you want a particular person, they become the list. What you want in someone else, is everything that that one person is. When you start think about everything you like in a partner, you find it describes that person, flaws and all. I make lists, but never have I ever found someone that fits those lists, nor do I think I ever will. So stop making lists, because there is nobody that will ever exactly be what you think you want.

missed steaks….

In a passage from Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People” he discusses owning up to our mistakes. It’s hard for people to admit that they’re wrong. When a mistake is made and realized, especially when it involves another person, it is always beneficial to apologize to that person and admit your wrong doing(s). However, Carnegie states that a person apologizing must take full responsibility for the situation, even if there was another person involved in the wrong doing(s). He claims to apologize and leave room for the other person’s mistake is a mistake in and of itself, but I don’t agree with this. Often situations come to a terrible head due to the faults of more than one person, and I feel like that should be recognized. One person shouldn’t have to take all of the blame just to have the hope of redeeming the situation and relationship.

Carnegie was specifically discussing a situation between two people, where both have done things to lead to an upsetting situation and strained relationship between them. He goes on to describe how if one finds themselves in that situation and is wanting to fix things, they should apologize – and I agree! BUT… he also says the person apologizing must take on full responsibility for the bad occurrences, and that I definitely don’t agree with. It should be understood that both people had a role in what happened. Apologize for what you did, show you’re sorry, humble yourself. However, this doesn’t mean I believe you should then go and point your finger at the other person and demand they say their piece too. I just think the boundaries of what everyone did should be respected.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes, especially lately. I don’t really have a problem admitting them, but I do feel a little bothered at having to admit them in such an open setting. Just hoping most of my classmates won’t care enough to read anything I’m posting.

List of mistakes I’ve made/things that I regret (in recent times)

  • Procrastinating my school work this year
  • Procrastinating everything in my life this year
  • Being too afraid to talk to one of my friends when there was clearly an issue (I ended up losing that friend. Hahaha)
  • Being too lazy and prideful to talk to a different friend when there was an issue (I lost that friend too and I don’t care as much, but I still should’ve done differently)
  • Being mean to people
  • Being mean to my friends
  • Becoming too attached to people
  • Letting my anger control me
  • “The Dare Game”
  • Becoming overly emotional (altho I cant rlly help that)
  • Crying at various inappropriate times
  • Sharing too much personal information (which is exactly what im doing right now)
  • Not being nicer to my mother
  • Letting my relationship with my mother worsen
  • Taking advantage of my father, lying to him (he is so good to me, I don’t deserve him)
  • Not putting more effort into my relationship with my step mother
  • Not being more careful about my risky behavior
  • Not working on that stupid legacy project
  • Picking a hard topic for my legacy project
  • Not reading and writing like I used to (aka I never do either of those things anymore, unless required of me… even then I don’t do it most of the time)
  • Becoming shy again (I had worked so hard to not be that way)
  • Not taking the acts or sats
  • Not applying to college
  • Falling into an unhealthy lifestyle
  • Overthinking and overanalyzing literally everything
  • Letting myself worry about things (most of which don’t matter or I end up being wrong about) to the point where it consumes me
  • Putting too much of myself into my friends, especially when they don’t do the same
  • Allowing myself to get hurt over every little thing
  • Allowing myself to give into fear and anxiety
  • Every day when I come home from school and sit in my bed and do nothing when I should be doing everything


I read “The Maze Runner” by James Dashner. It’s about a teenage boy named Thomas that is delivered in a box to a small, all male society that is surrounded by giant walls. Behind those walls are the workings of a very large and complex maze. The boys are all teenagers, some fairly young while others are almost into their 20s. None of them know why or how they are in this place that they call “The Glade” or anything else from their past lives. However, they make it work. Everyone has a job, there is a very strict system and set of rules. Weird things begin to happen that force the boys out of their routine and what has become their sense of normalcy, including the arrival of a strange girl who is somehow connected to Thomas. They are all forced to find a way out of the maze, or die. About 20 of them, including the girl, eventually make their way out. The book closes with them thinking that they are all safe, and will get to return to a somewhat normal life, but the last two pages reveal something that the boys don’t know: that that is far from happening.

I had bought this book series a while ago, but never came to reading it (as I do with most books I purchase nowadays). I was cleaning out my car two weeks ago and came across the book. I picked it up, and out of boredom and curiosity opened to the first page and began to read. It was interesting enough, from the start anyways. It dragged a bit in the middle, there was a lot of exciting build up and no interesting follow through till the end of the novel. However, I’m pretty sure I was reading more complex books at age 11. It wasn’t due to the topic or the events occurring in the novel, but rather the language and the wording. It was all very simple, and not as stimulating as I would’ve preferred. It would’ve been much better if it had been a bit more of a challenging read, with some flowery language thrown in there. The story itself was intriguing, complex, clever, and carefully arranged, but the words themselves bored me at times. It is definitely a book made for teens, but I feel like the author is either terrible at constructing in depth sentences, or thinks teenagers can’t handle big words. I also feel as if he thinks cuss words will corrupt innocent, teen minds, because not a single expletive was used in the entire novel. There were too many adrenaline pumping, near death moments for not a single bad word to be uttered. It just made the book seem more sugar coated and simplistic and unrealistic and “child-like”. If I had been in any situation half as terrifying as the ones presented to the characters, I would be screaming cuss words non-stop.

Overall, interesting book. Could’ve used better language. I probably wouldn’t recommend it to anyone over the age of 14, unless they’re just kind of stupid or don’t like reading anything too complex. But, I really liked the female character, Teresa. She was described as being very beautiful, and the description for her was definitely the most complex and intriguing. And just the way I pictured her in my head, very angelic looking. I saw the movie a while ago as well, and from what I can remember, I think I enjoyed that more. I wish I had chosen a different book, something that contained expletives and other fancy words.